I have to be honest, for many weeks I have been in denial. I think my logic was that it would hurt less if I didn't get excited in case something happened to the baby and we lost him/her. Once I came to reality and realized it was going to hurt the same no matter what I felt, I started to deal with the emotions that come from realizing "O wow, this may actually be happening."
During our first year of trying, I kept telling myself that it will happen and I just need to be patient. During the 2nd year, I started to worry just a little more, but still had lots of hope. By the 3rd year, the realization that we may never have a biological child started to sink in. Then during the 4th year, I started to convince myself that maybe I really didn't want to be a mom and that Josh and I would just choose to be childfree and become world travelers. Obviously in my heart, that is not what I really wanted, but it was easier to deal with the disappointment this way. Anyone who knows Josh also knows that the word travel stresses him out, and we have already had too many encounters with airport security to think we would really become world travelers :)
When we started telling people I was pregnant, I was TERRIFIED!!! I am not sure if I thought I could jinx it, or if it was the thought of having to go back and tell them something bad had happened and we lost the baby. Many people didn't understand why I wasn't enjoying this pregnancy to the fullest, or why I was living in fear. When you have prepared for the worst, it is hard to accept the best :)
Well, it didn't happen exactly as planned, but I guess we are Facebook official :) We had wanted to wait until our next doctor's appointment to make it official, but there was sort of a leak of some "pregnancy announcement" pictures and a lot of people saw them. After that, I figured I might as well make the official post and share our new blog with everyone. Lesson learned--Josh may be right when he says that there is nothing private on Facepuke (yes, he calls it Facepuke :) and he hates it).
I guess it was a blessing in disguise because I am not sure I would ever feel comfortable making the announcement on Facebook, but the reaction of so many of our friends reassures us that we want a child to be a part of our very blessed lives! We have amazing family and friends, so if God forbid something bad does happen, I know we will have the support we need to get through it.
Pregnancy after infertility is interesting (I couldn't think of a better word, even though I know there has to be one). We have made some great friends who were experiencing their own infertility journeys, and now those relationships are changing. We dealt with this change when some of our own great friends got pregnant when we were still trying. You feel happy for them, but at the time it was a reminder of what we still didn't have and hadn't been able to achieve. Looking back, I think those friends were a great source of hope, but I am not sure I saw it like that at the time. I hope that our friends that are struggling to conceive can see that everyone's journey is different, and in the end everything happens on God's time.
I am obviously excited that we are having a baby, but I think it is important for people to remember that accepting this is more than just taking a pregnancy test and planning a nursery. This pregnancy has been a constant reminder of what we have lost, but also a daily reminder of what we hope for in the end....to meet our child!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Barra's are having a baby :)
Our journey to meeting you continues....The Barra's are pregnant :) I can't believe I just typed those words knowing that people will read them...it seems so surreal! Baby Barra is due to arrive at the end of July.
This has been such a long journey, and I am so excited for the months ahead, but the fear is still there. My craziness has gotten much better in the last few weeks, but I still worry that something will go wrong and we will have to tell the world that once again things didn't work out. I know this time is different...I feel it in my heart. I pray every night for the strength to accept God's will, and I know this is when my faith needs to be the strongest, but it is still hard to trust that everything will be OK.
I counted the other day and Josh and I had been trying to conceive for 50 months when we got pregnant...that is a long time in Lisa time :) Believe me, there were plenty of days when I had no hope, so I hope our struggles will give someone hope that it can still happen. The last 4 years have been long, but now I can see why the lessons we learned were necessary.
We are excited and we ask for continued prayers from all of our family and friends on this journey. I can't wait to see your face and hold you!
This has been such a long journey, and I am so excited for the months ahead, but the fear is still there. My craziness has gotten much better in the last few weeks, but I still worry that something will go wrong and we will have to tell the world that once again things didn't work out. I know this time is different...I feel it in my heart. I pray every night for the strength to accept God's will, and I know this is when my faith needs to be the strongest, but it is still hard to trust that everything will be OK.
I counted the other day and Josh and I had been trying to conceive for 50 months when we got pregnant...that is a long time in Lisa time :) Believe me, there were plenty of days when I had no hope, so I hope our struggles will give someone hope that it can still happen. The last 4 years have been long, but now I can see why the lessons we learned were necessary.
We are excited and we ask for continued prayers from all of our family and friends on this journey. I can't wait to see your face and hold you!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
How our journey began....
OUR JOURNEY TO MEETING YOU....
Well, our journey to meeting you started on September 8, 2007 when I married Joshua Ross Barra, my most favorite person in the world. Little did I know that we would fall more in more in love as time went on. We had an amazing wedding day celebrated with our friends and family. We knew from the beginning we wanted to be parents and so we started off on our journey right away. Our first few years of marriage were filled with lots of fun and exciting times. We enjoyed remodeling our house, traveling, and working on having a baby :).
At the end of our first year of marriage we hit a hurdle...My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Little did I know at the time that this would be a great motivator for us on this journey. With the prayers of many, my mom fought that ugly beast and is now in full recovery. This experience was a learning time for my entire family. We begun to appreciate the little things a little more, and it unfortunately was a wake up call for me to start appreciating how much my mom means to me. I always knew that my mom would be my go-to when I had children, and the thought of her not being there with me was terrifying! Her cancer was the push we needed to seek some extra help in having a baby, and so our medical journey and our prayer journey began.
Our journey to meeting you has been long, and without giving all the details, we have been through a lot emotionally, physically, and financially. We have angels in heaven that we have lost, but that Josh and I think about every day. I can not say that I have no regrets because there are many things I look back on and wonder, "if only I would have done/known XYZ." I know that God has a plan, and I pray every day for the strength to accept God's plan. I always wonder though when I will understand why our journey had to be so long and painful, but then Josh reminds me that everything happens for a reason and we will find out soon enough.
There were many times on this journey when I wasn't sure how it would end, even though I knew clearly what I wanted in the end...a child. There were many times I questioned my ability to be a parent, but then I remembered that is where my faith in God needs to show. This journey has taught us to be reserved when it comes to celebrating, appreciative of help, and patient with each other.
This journey has turned me into a believer of soul mates because I am not sure anyone but God could have made a more perfect match. Josh and I are complete opposites when it comes to many things, but I believe that is why we have made it through this journey and are only stronger because of it. When I wanted to quit, he called me a quiter and told me to try again...when I wanted to shut out the world, he called my bluff and told me I can't live without answering my cell phone :)...and most importantly when I couldn't stand the pain and grief anymore, he found his faith in God and reminds me daily to find my faith.
My life would not be the same with out this journey, and I thank God for the lessons, people, and experiences I have gained through this.
Well, our journey to meeting you started on September 8, 2007 when I married Joshua Ross Barra, my most favorite person in the world. Little did I know that we would fall more in more in love as time went on. We had an amazing wedding day celebrated with our friends and family. We knew from the beginning we wanted to be parents and so we started off on our journey right away. Our first few years of marriage were filled with lots of fun and exciting times. We enjoyed remodeling our house, traveling, and working on having a baby :).
At the end of our first year of marriage we hit a hurdle...My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Little did I know at the time that this would be a great motivator for us on this journey. With the prayers of many, my mom fought that ugly beast and is now in full recovery. This experience was a learning time for my entire family. We begun to appreciate the little things a little more, and it unfortunately was a wake up call for me to start appreciating how much my mom means to me. I always knew that my mom would be my go-to when I had children, and the thought of her not being there with me was terrifying! Her cancer was the push we needed to seek some extra help in having a baby, and so our medical journey and our prayer journey began.
Our journey to meeting you has been long, and without giving all the details, we have been through a lot emotionally, physically, and financially. We have angels in heaven that we have lost, but that Josh and I think about every day. I can not say that I have no regrets because there are many things I look back on and wonder, "if only I would have done/known XYZ." I know that God has a plan, and I pray every day for the strength to accept God's plan. I always wonder though when I will understand why our journey had to be so long and painful, but then Josh reminds me that everything happens for a reason and we will find out soon enough.
There were many times on this journey when I wasn't sure how it would end, even though I knew clearly what I wanted in the end...a child. There were many times I questioned my ability to be a parent, but then I remembered that is where my faith in God needs to show. This journey has taught us to be reserved when it comes to celebrating, appreciative of help, and patient with each other.
This journey has turned me into a believer of soul mates because I am not sure anyone but God could have made a more perfect match. Josh and I are complete opposites when it comes to many things, but I believe that is why we have made it through this journey and are only stronger because of it. When I wanted to quit, he called me a quiter and told me to try again...when I wanted to shut out the world, he called my bluff and told me I can't live without answering my cell phone :)...and most importantly when I couldn't stand the pain and grief anymore, he found his faith in God and reminds me daily to find my faith.
My life would not be the same with out this journey, and I thank God for the lessons, people, and experiences I have gained through this.
Why we started this blog
I think it is important to explain why we wanted to share this blog with our family and friends. Our intention is not to share our business with the world, but more to help others understand the journey people experience when dealing with infertility and miscarriage. Many lessons were learned during our journey, and we hope others can learn from us.
We also want to document this journey so the day we finally meet you, you will know that you are loved and were worth every step!!! Some of these entries were taken from my personal journal that I have kept throught out the journey, but others are from every day happenings that I thought were worth noting. I hope to keep this up throughout the rest of our journey, and maybe even after we finally meet you.
We also want to document this journey so the day we finally meet you, you will know that you are loved and were worth every step!!! Some of these entries were taken from my personal journal that I have kept throught out the journey, but others are from every day happenings that I thought were worth noting. I hope to keep this up throughout the rest of our journey, and maybe even after we finally meet you.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)