Johnny turns 1!

JOHNNY TURNS 1!!!!

Dear Johnny,
What a blessing you have been...you are SO loved!! You will never know the joy that you brought into our lives when you were born. You came to our family at a time that our hearts were broken and hurting, but the excitement of meeting you helped us walk that journey a little easier.  Your brother welcomed you with open arms and was so excited to finally meet you.

My pregnancy with you was one that was a little challenging.  Between the hormones of pregnancy and the emotions of watching your Jiddu get more sick, there was nothing I could do to prepare for the roller coaster of this pregnancy.  When we found out we were pregnant with you, we could not have been more excited.  We were certain that this pregnancy would help give everyone in our family the extra energy to continue on the journey with my dad. This pregnancy was a good distraction for everyone, but also a constant reminder that God is in control and we can not change his plan.  I worked hard to take care of you, even when times got tough and all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry for days.  Looking back, I now realize that being pregnant is the reason I made it through Jiddu passing away.  Without you inside of me, I don't think I would have found the strength to keep moving forward.  I will forever be grateful for the blessing of carrying you inside of me for 40 weeks, and for being the reason I was able to continue my life without your Jiddu.  Your Jiddu was an amazing man, and losing him three weeks before you were born will never make sense to me, but I know that God's plan is bigger than anything we can imagine.

It has taken me a year to write your birth story.  I am not sure if it is because that time was so emotional, or if it finalizes some of the heart ache that Jiddu is not coming back.  Either way, bringing you into this world was one of the most emotional, painful, and empowering blessings I have ever experienced!!!!

During my pregnancy with you, I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  Because of this, I had to be closely monitored twice each week.  During Jiddu's last hospital stay, he was able to come to a sonogram appointment and see you on the 3D sonogram.  He thought it was amazing and when the nurse asked if we wanted to know your gender, he said he would wait.  During Jiddu's last week on Earth, we realized that he would not be here for you birth.  I sat down with him and asked if he would like to know your gender.  His response to this was, "I already know."  I am not sure how or when he figured it out, but he somehow had a way of knowing about you before we did :) On Jiddu's last day here, I told him that we would be OK.  I would take care of you the way that he had taken care of me my whole life.  Saying good bye to him was the absolute most difficult thing I have ever done, but I knew my job was to now love my boys the way he loved me!

During my last week of pregnancy, you were not showing that you were ready to come out yet. Dr. Ma agreed to let me know wait as long as I wanted for you as long as everything looked good.  On your due date,Thursday-August 27th, we met with the doctor and he said that I was progressing a little, but not much.  I said that I would like to wait it out, but he was going out of town that weekend.  This made me nervous because I had worked very closely with Dr. Ma and trusted him.  Because of this, I agreed to be induced on Friday night at 8:00.  During the night on Thursday, I was having contractions and could feel things moving along.

We got to the hospital after we said good night to Joseph.  They prepped me with an IV and started me on the Pitocin.  When we arrived at the hospital, I was already dilated to 3 cm.  We were very emotional and anxious and weren't really able to rest.  My mom arrived around 11:30 and was able to help us too.  By around 4:00, the contractions become much more intense and our Doula, Marcia, arrived.  I was able to move around and really didn't spend much time in the bed at all. I worked really hard to have you without any medication.  Towards the end, I was begging for medicine (and a C-section), but I knew I was close enough that I didn't need it.  The end seemed to take a long time because I was not fully dilated and was not progressing fast enough, or at least it didn't feel like that with each contraction.  Josh and Marcia were amazing at helping me through each contraction and working with me to find comfortable positions.  I was finally able to start pushing and it wasn't very long before you were born.

You were born on Saturday morning at 6:26am weighing in at 8lbs even. You made all the pain and hard work worth every second when you came right out and crawled up and latched for the first time.  You were a champ nursing from the minute you were born.  We were able to keep you with us the entire time we were at the hospital and we enjoyed every single snuggle!

This past year has been incredible.  You have been the inspiration I needed to keep going, and you somehow always know when to look at me and s
mile. Those early months were tough, especially in the middle of the night when all I could do was think about my dad, but having you to snuggle and nurse was what gave me the courage to keep going.

Watching you and Joseph grow together has been amazing! The love that you have for each other already is humbling.  We can't wait to see what life has in store for you and what you will bring to this world!  We love you to the moon and back sweet baby!!

Love,
Momma and Dadda

Joseph turns 2....A year for the record books!

Joseph is 2!!! I am not even sure how to comprehend that????  This past year has been AMAZING with Joseph.  From watching him grow physically to hearing him speak in sentences.  He has brought more life into this world than we could've ever imagined.  His love of the simple things in life is so humbling.  There is no sweeter sound than hearing him yell Momma or Daddy when he sees us or for just no reason :).  The spontaneous "I love you" also gets me every time.

I am sure every parent thinks this, but Joseph is just so special.  Our family has been through a lot this year and with my dad's recent diagnosis, and we are so blessed to have Joseph remind us to stay young and enjoy every moment.  The way he loves on everyone makes my heart melt!

This year has been so much fun with Joseph.  He has grown so much in personality and understanding.  He has his own interests, which include sports (doesn't matter what kind), puzzles, trucks, tractors, and anything that requires him to be outside.  He is still very personable and loves to play with new people.  Within the last couple months, he has become so much more aware of new surroundings and his favorite questions are "who is that?", "what are you doing?", and "what's the matter?"  We love that he shows care for others, but the "who is that?" question can sometimes cause some embarrassment when we forget someones name or it is just a random person in the store.

This past year has filled our hearts to a point where sometimes I wonder how much greater can our love for Joseph get.  There isn't a day that goes by that we are not amazed by what he does or says.  His love of music is very entertaining.  He loves to sing church songs before bed and has just recently started singing "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go, Let it go"...wait, are there other words to that song? :)

So, our journey with Joseph continues.  What an amazing journey it has been and we can not wait to see whats in store for us in year #3.  We continue to pray and try for more children, and things haven't been as easy as we had hoped they would be, but we are trying to enjoy each moment with JoJo and trust in God's plan.  We continue to ask for your prayers for our family that we may grow in faith and in numbers :)  

Welcome to Toddlerhood

Can you believe Joseph is almost 16 months old??? Sometimes I look at the pictures around the house of him as a baby and I feel like it truly was just last month that we were watching him roll around on the ground. Now, we watch him climb onto the counters or up the furniture :)  Every day I am astonished by the things he has learned.  From his vocabulary to his recognition of people in pictures, I am constantly amazed at what he is capable of doing.

Well, I think we have officially entered toddlerhood.  Want to know what I used to determine this?  Well... the overnight development of Joseph having a very strong opinion about everything :)  From what shoes he wears to which bib we put on him, he wants things done a very specific way.  I am not sure where he gets that from :).  This new stage with him is so much fun.  The joy on his face when he gets excited about something is one of the most humbling experiences for me.  With each shout of MOMMA and DADDA, I am reminded how blessed we are to have our little family.

I am sure that all parents feel this way, but I can't help but think that Joseph is a very special little boy.  Maybe it is because he is our miracle baby, or maybe it is because we fought so hard for him, but whatever the reason is, I truly do think he is special. Joseph is full of personality and because of that I feel like he spreads joy to everyone he meets.  Joseph has always been very open to new people and is usually more than happy to give hugs and kisses to everyone :)  His kisses have even gotten him into some trouble at play group because he doesn't yet realize that not all parents like their kids to get hugs and kisses from random little boys :)  Those hugs and kisses are something I will cherish forever and I am OK with him spreading the love, at least for now :)

A very wise friend of mine once told me that once you become a mother, you will never emotionally be the same again.  I thought she was referring to all the hormones while being pregnant, but come to find out the tendency to tear up about everything hasn't gone away.  My heart seems to hurt a little more now when I see sad situations.  The tornadoes that hit our surrounding communities was a great reminder for me to hug Joseph a little tighter and continue to thank God for what I do have everyday.

As we prepare for the holidays, I am reminded that Josh and I both have wonderful families who continue to support us on this journey.  We thank God every day for the blessings that he has given us, and we pray that our family can continue to grow.  We know that we would like to have more children and ask for your prayers in starting this journey again.  It is amazing to me how all the emotion and heartache didn't just disappear (I am a counselor, I should know those things don't just go away), but I know that we have been blessed before and I know that God is good.  We will continue praying that we understand God's plan and that he gives us the strength to accept whatever it is that he has in store for us.  May God bless you and your family during this holiday season!

TIME FLIES....One year ago our miracle baby arrived

Time flies!  That really sums up how I feel about Joseph's first birthday. When I went into labor last year, my only focus was on having a safe delivery and meeting our baby.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have known what would happen would I saw that baby's face.  My heart would never be the same!  Joseph brought emotions into our lives that we have never felt. 

In the beginning of this journey to parenthood, we spent most of our energy and effort on trying to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy.  Once Joseph was born, I am not sure we were prepared for what actually happens after the baby arrives.  I remember saying to Josh in those first few weeks of pure exhaustion that I wasn't sure I was cut out to be a mom.  I was tired, dirty, attached to a breast pump, and feeling inadequate to be in charge of this living thing. I thought it was supposed to be pure bliss and happiness.  I had wanted to be a mom for so long, so I should have been a pro at bringing home baby.  I think the opposite actually happened. I think I was in such fear the entire pregnancy that I did not prepare myself for life after baby. With time, we finally got into the groove of things and figured out how to do this thing people call "parenting."  Everyone told us that it would get easier, but I am sure I called them all liars in the beginning. I know now that each day does get easier.  Joseph learned to trust us, and we learned to trust ourselves as parents.  Maybe some people are born as confident parents, but for us we needed experiences to build our confidence.

I can not find words to express what being a mom has been like for me.  The raw emotion I feel everytime Joseph calls out for me.  The way he cuddles with my neck after he has fallen asleep in my arms.  The screech he gives when I walk into a room.  These are only a few examples of the things he does that makes my heart skip a beat.

I try and remember to thank God every day for the blessing he has given our family.  Joseph is a miracle in more ways than one.  He filled a void in our hearts that I believed would remain empty forever. He has brought hope to many of our friends who are trying to conceive.  He has brought faith to our family because the power of prayer was proven when he was born.  Throughout this journey, I have learned that no model of car, no luxury vacation, no brand of clothes, no value of  house can give us the joy that comes from meeting the child that God created for us.  Joseph is truly the light of our lives and I pray everyday that he grows up to share God's light with the world.

Joseph's first year has been an exciting one. He is a very active little boy. Ever since he learned to roll, there has been no stopping him.  Now that he is not only walking, but trying to run, there seems to be no rest for this little monster.  He is a very vocal little guy and just like his momma, he will tell you what he thinks :)


I have to share that someone we have been praying for during the last few years is now expecting.  I believe in the power of prayer, and I continue to pray everyday that God bless those who are asking to be parents.  It is a lot easier to agree with this quote now that we have our miracle, but I really do believe, "Even miracles take a little time."

As we move into Joseph's second year of life, I look forward to all the growth and learning I will get to witness.  I can't wait for all the wet kisses and pinchy hugs.  Our journey to meeting him has only begun.  With each day, we get to know Joseph better and learn about him. This journey is exciting and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I pray that our journey will continue and our family will grow. Thank you for joining us on this exciting adventure!

Happy Mother's Day to the all moms, soon to be moms, and the ones that want to be moms

Mother's Day....the day that I used to dread, not because I was upset with other mothers, but because the hole in my heart always felt deeper on Mother's Day. I felt like it was a day dedicated to reminding me that what I longed for was something I wasn't sure we would ever get. That may be a little dramatic, (Lisa dramatic...NO WAY) :) but when you are heartbroken everything seems to be exaggerated in your life.
 

 I remember the last Mother's Day before I got pregnant. I remember being down on my knees praying for God to take away my desire to be a mom. I remember saying to Josh that it seemed so cruel that my desire only grew each day, but our chances were only shrinking. Josh was always the one to remind that we believed in a loving God, and that we were not forgotten about. I can now say that I thank God for unanswered prayers! If I had lost my desire to be a mom, I would've stopped fighting for the greatest blessing imaginable.

People have said to me that I am a better mom because I struggled to have a baby. I am not sure I agree with that. I think a mother's love is unique to each child. I think the struggle has only caused me to love with a scarred heart. I love with a protection that is probably too strong sometimes. I love with a fear of loss that many people can not understand. I love without holding back because I am not sure I will get to do this again. I love with passion because I have been thinking about how I will do this for almost five years. I LOVE WITH NO REGRETS!

The last 9 1/2 months have been incredible. We have learned that our hearts are able to grow with each kiss and hug.We have let ourselves indulge, without shame, the extra cuddles before bed and naps in our arms. These last 9  1/2 months have not been long enough to forget where we came from. People ask me now how it feels to be on the other side of our fertility journey.  My response is always the same....I don't feel like I belong on either team anymore. We are not like everyone else because having another baby will not be a simple process (even though we pray we will be surprised).  We are also not like our friends and family who are still trying to conceive.  We are in the middle, and I think I am OK with this.  I don't want to forget the lessons we learned on this journey, but I also thank God every minute for the blessing we did receive.

Our journey to meeting you continues, Joseph...we get to meet you at the
door with your hands banging on the glass, we get to meet you on the swing when you giggle with each push, and we meet you on the floor when you get a little too brave and bonk yourself. We can't wait to continue to meet you wherever you are and wherever you need us to be!!  Joseph--you are truly the greatest joy in our lives and we pray to God to continue to protect you and guide us to be the parents you need us to be. 

That smile will brighten any day :)

Introducing.....Joseph Michael Barra

JOSEPH MICHAEL BARRA
JULY 27, 2012 6:16 pm
8lbs 8 oz 19 1/2 inches

Well, we have finally met our little miracle.  It is amazing how much life has changed for us in the last 3 weeks.  There are no words to describe the emotions we have felt since Joseph arrived.  We are so blessed to have a baby to hold.  The last three weeks have been a blur, not only because of the sleepless nights, but also because this is such a busy time with my family.  Joseph was born the day before my cousin's wedding, and for those of you who know about Lebanese weddings, this was a crazy time for my family. I obviously was unable to attend the wedding, but Joseph, Josh and I celebrated by staying up all night for them in our hospital room on Saturday :)

OK, so how did Joseph make his appearance?  Here is the time line of how things happened:

• Thursday, July 26th: I had gone to bed around 10:00 and said to Josh that I didn't feel very good.  I didn't know what was wrong, but I just felt sick.  He said it was probably from the heat and that I had worn myself out running around all day.  I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom.  On my way back to the bedroom I felt my water break and I loudly said "uh oh."  This woke Josh up, and he yelled WHAT?  I said I thought my water broke, but I wasn't sure.  We waited a few minutes and then it was clear that my water had broken and the contractions started immediately.  I knew we had some time before we needed to get to the hospital, so I took a shower and cleaned up the house a bit. Josh did not like waiting around and didn't like that my contractions were increasing in intensity and we were still "cleaning."  We finally headed to the hospital around 12:30 and called our parents to let them know.
• Friday, July 28th:  Once we got to the hospital, my contractions were only a few minutes apart, but they were short-only about 30-45 seconds.  Unfortunately, I had gone to Old Chicago for dinner with Josh's parents and that food did not settle very well in my stomach.  For about 4 hours, I was dealing with the contractions and the getting rid of everything in my stomach.  I had intended to try and hold off on the epidural as long as possible, but by this point I was so exhausted from the constant contractions and the vomiting, that I gave in and got the epidural.  I would be very glad I got it later because labor lasted 19 hours.

Josh trying to comfort me during labor

• Friday, late morning: Once I got the epidural, things progressed normally.  I was dilating about a centimeter per hour and was on track to have the baby around noon.  Well, Joseph had another idea and decided at the last minute he wasn't ready :)  Once I got to 9 centimeters, everything stopped progressing. I was at 9 centimeters for 4 1/2 hours before they finally decided to give me Potocin to help move things along.  Once I got the Potocin, there was no stopping Joseph from coming out.  I was lucky enough to only have to push for about an hour.  Joseph arrived at 6:16 pm and our lives have never been the same since.

The first few days with Joseph are a blur.  Actually, the first few weeks have been a blur.  I knew we would be overwhelmed with emotion, but I don't think I was nearly as prepared for all the feelings I would have.  From exhaustion to anxiousness to unconditional love....every minute brought a new feeling.  I also think the hormones running through my body didn't help the emotional reactions :)

The first few weeks were difficult because we were having some feeding issues.  Joseph would not latch to me, so we ended up having to finger feed him first with a tube and then a syringe. Last week he did latch, so we are working on figuring out the whole breastfeeding thing now.  He is a very smart kid because he knows it is easier to get his food from a bottle than it is from the breast :)

We are finally settling into having a newborn.  The lack of sleep does make me kind of cranky, but Josh has been phenomenal with working with Joseph and dealing with my craziness.  I am so blessed to have a husband who thinks of himself as an equal in the parenting business and really steps up to help make the transition to parenthood smooth.  Josh is not scared of Joseph's crying or his poopy diapers.  It is so neat to hear Josh talk to Joseph about sports, cars, and other "boy" things.  It will be great to watch him grow up and learn about so many things.

Well Joseph....we finally got to meet you and we will thank God for the rest of our lives that you are our son. You are already amazing in so many ways and we pray that everyone gets to experience the joys you have brought into our lives!

 

Heat, what heat? :)

Well, we are officially full term and ready to go anytime. The question everyone asks me..."How are you holding up in this heat?"  My response is always, "Heat, what heat?" :)  I try not to complain about the heat because Josh works in the heat everyday, and he never complains.  Honestly though, the heat hasn't been too bad for me. I am able to go to the garden early in the morning when it is cooler out and then I can spend most of my time in the air conditioning.  My feet do not like the heat, but the swelling usually goes away by the time I wake up in the morning.
We now have weekly appointments and things have been good. At my appointment on July 2nd, we had a sonogram and my fluid levels appeared to be lower than they had been.  The doctor discussed with us the possibility of being induced if my levels dropped any lower.  I was told to continue to monitor the baby's movements and let them know if anything changed. On Saturday July 7th, I had to take my Type 75 certification exam...this is the exam for the principal program I am finishing up at Bradley.  During the exam, I wasn't really feeling the baby moving and I assumed it was just because I was nervous and anxious for the test.  When I got home, I tried to do some kick counts, and the baby just wasn't wanting to move much.  We waited a couple hours, and then finally decided to go to the hospital and make sure everything was OK.  Everything ended up being perfectly fine, thank God! 

At my appointment last week I started to tear up while sitting in the waiting room thinking that this pregnancy is going to be over soon.  I have truly enjoyed this experience and feel so blessed to have come this far!  I pray with all my heart that we get to travel this journey again in the future, and I hope that the next time I can enjoy more of it and not live in fear for so long!  The appointment this week went great.  My fluid levels are fine (I think they may have been a misread by the doc last week) and the baby is growing very well.  They are saying the baby is measuring big, so we will have another sonogram on Monday to check growth and fluid levels. The sonographer almost slipped and said the gender, but luckily she caught herself. The doctor also checked me and said that we are progressing very well. We go back on Monday for another check and to see how I am moving along :)

Well, we continue on this journey to meeting Baby Barra.  Never in my entire life did I imagine how consuming a mother's love is for a child. The excitement between Josh and I is awesome.  We keep talking about how things are going to change, but I don't think we can even begin to assume what it will be like to bring home our miracle.  We continue to praise God for this miracle, and we pray every night for all our friends and family who want to start their own journeys.  Please keep praying for us and we will keep you posted on any new baby developments :) 

Below are the finished nursery pictures. We are waiting to paint some of the details with a gender specific color :)

This is the tree that Josh's cousin painted for us.  I can't wait to add the little animals in a fun color once baby arrives :)

This is the board above the baby's bed.  As soon as I saw this quote, I knew I wanted it in the nursery.