Welcome to Toddlerhood

Can you believe Joseph is almost 16 months old??? Sometimes I look at the pictures around the house of him as a baby and I feel like it truly was just last month that we were watching him roll around on the ground. Now, we watch him climb onto the counters or up the furniture :)  Every day I am astonished by the things he has learned.  From his vocabulary to his recognition of people in pictures, I am constantly amazed at what he is capable of doing.

Well, I think we have officially entered toddlerhood.  Want to know what I used to determine this?  Well... the overnight development of Joseph having a very strong opinion about everything :)  From what shoes he wears to which bib we put on him, he wants things done a very specific way.  I am not sure where he gets that from :).  This new stage with him is so much fun.  The joy on his face when he gets excited about something is one of the most humbling experiences for me.  With each shout of MOMMA and DADDA, I am reminded how blessed we are to have our little family.

I am sure that all parents feel this way, but I can't help but think that Joseph is a very special little boy.  Maybe it is because he is our miracle baby, or maybe it is because we fought so hard for him, but whatever the reason is, I truly do think he is special. Joseph is full of personality and because of that I feel like he spreads joy to everyone he meets.  Joseph has always been very open to new people and is usually more than happy to give hugs and kisses to everyone :)  His kisses have even gotten him into some trouble at play group because he doesn't yet realize that not all parents like their kids to get hugs and kisses from random little boys :)  Those hugs and kisses are something I will cherish forever and I am OK with him spreading the love, at least for now :)

A very wise friend of mine once told me that once you become a mother, you will never emotionally be the same again.  I thought she was referring to all the hormones while being pregnant, but come to find out the tendency to tear up about everything hasn't gone away.  My heart seems to hurt a little more now when I see sad situations.  The tornadoes that hit our surrounding communities was a great reminder for me to hug Joseph a little tighter and continue to thank God for what I do have everyday.

As we prepare for the holidays, I am reminded that Josh and I both have wonderful families who continue to support us on this journey.  We thank God every day for the blessings that he has given us, and we pray that our family can continue to grow.  We know that we would like to have more children and ask for your prayers in starting this journey again.  It is amazing to me how all the emotion and heartache didn't just disappear (I am a counselor, I should know those things don't just go away), but I know that we have been blessed before and I know that God is good.  We will continue praying that we understand God's plan and that he gives us the strength to accept whatever it is that he has in store for us.  May God bless you and your family during this holiday season!

TIME FLIES....One year ago our miracle baby arrived

Time flies!  That really sums up how I feel about Joseph's first birthday. When I went into labor last year, my only focus was on having a safe delivery and meeting our baby.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have known what would happen would I saw that baby's face.  My heart would never be the same!  Joseph brought emotions into our lives that we have never felt. 

In the beginning of this journey to parenthood, we spent most of our energy and effort on trying to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy.  Once Joseph was born, I am not sure we were prepared for what actually happens after the baby arrives.  I remember saying to Josh in those first few weeks of pure exhaustion that I wasn't sure I was cut out to be a mom.  I was tired, dirty, attached to a breast pump, and feeling inadequate to be in charge of this living thing. I thought it was supposed to be pure bliss and happiness.  I had wanted to be a mom for so long, so I should have been a pro at bringing home baby.  I think the opposite actually happened. I think I was in such fear the entire pregnancy that I did not prepare myself for life after baby. With time, we finally got into the groove of things and figured out how to do this thing people call "parenting."  Everyone told us that it would get easier, but I am sure I called them all liars in the beginning. I know now that each day does get easier.  Joseph learned to trust us, and we learned to trust ourselves as parents.  Maybe some people are born as confident parents, but for us we needed experiences to build our confidence.

I can not find words to express what being a mom has been like for me.  The raw emotion I feel everytime Joseph calls out for me.  The way he cuddles with my neck after he has fallen asleep in my arms.  The screech he gives when I walk into a room.  These are only a few examples of the things he does that makes my heart skip a beat.

I try and remember to thank God every day for the blessing he has given our family.  Joseph is a miracle in more ways than one.  He filled a void in our hearts that I believed would remain empty forever. He has brought hope to many of our friends who are trying to conceive.  He has brought faith to our family because the power of prayer was proven when he was born.  Throughout this journey, I have learned that no model of car, no luxury vacation, no brand of clothes, no value of  house can give us the joy that comes from meeting the child that God created for us.  Joseph is truly the light of our lives and I pray everyday that he grows up to share God's light with the world.

Joseph's first year has been an exciting one. He is a very active little boy. Ever since he learned to roll, there has been no stopping him.  Now that he is not only walking, but trying to run, there seems to be no rest for this little monster.  He is a very vocal little guy and just like his momma, he will tell you what he thinks :)


I have to share that someone we have been praying for during the last few years is now expecting.  I believe in the power of prayer, and I continue to pray everyday that God bless those who are asking to be parents.  It is a lot easier to agree with this quote now that we have our miracle, but I really do believe, "Even miracles take a little time."

As we move into Joseph's second year of life, I look forward to all the growth and learning I will get to witness.  I can't wait for all the wet kisses and pinchy hugs.  Our journey to meeting him has only begun.  With each day, we get to know Joseph better and learn about him. This journey is exciting and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I pray that our journey will continue and our family will grow. Thank you for joining us on this exciting adventure!

Happy Mother's Day to the all moms, soon to be moms, and the ones that want to be moms

Mother's Day....the day that I used to dread, not because I was upset with other mothers, but because the hole in my heart always felt deeper on Mother's Day. I felt like it was a day dedicated to reminding me that what I longed for was something I wasn't sure we would ever get. That may be a little dramatic, (Lisa dramatic...NO WAY) :) but when you are heartbroken everything seems to be exaggerated in your life.
 

 I remember the last Mother's Day before I got pregnant. I remember being down on my knees praying for God to take away my desire to be a mom. I remember saying to Josh that it seemed so cruel that my desire only grew each day, but our chances were only shrinking. Josh was always the one to remind that we believed in a loving God, and that we were not forgotten about. I can now say that I thank God for unanswered prayers! If I had lost my desire to be a mom, I would've stopped fighting for the greatest blessing imaginable.

People have said to me that I am a better mom because I struggled to have a baby. I am not sure I agree with that. I think a mother's love is unique to each child. I think the struggle has only caused me to love with a scarred heart. I love with a protection that is probably too strong sometimes. I love with a fear of loss that many people can not understand. I love without holding back because I am not sure I will get to do this again. I love with passion because I have been thinking about how I will do this for almost five years. I LOVE WITH NO REGRETS!

The last 9 1/2 months have been incredible. We have learned that our hearts are able to grow with each kiss and hug.We have let ourselves indulge, without shame, the extra cuddles before bed and naps in our arms. These last 9  1/2 months have not been long enough to forget where we came from. People ask me now how it feels to be on the other side of our fertility journey.  My response is always the same....I don't feel like I belong on either team anymore. We are not like everyone else because having another baby will not be a simple process (even though we pray we will be surprised).  We are also not like our friends and family who are still trying to conceive.  We are in the middle, and I think I am OK with this.  I don't want to forget the lessons we learned on this journey, but I also thank God every minute for the blessing we did receive.

Our journey to meeting you continues, Joseph...we get to meet you at the
door with your hands banging on the glass, we get to meet you on the swing when you giggle with each push, and we meet you on the floor when you get a little too brave and bonk yourself. We can't wait to continue to meet you wherever you are and wherever you need us to be!!  Joseph--you are truly the greatest joy in our lives and we pray to God to continue to protect you and guide us to be the parents you need us to be. 

That smile will brighten any day :)